Taking the plunge together!

Well, what a month! I’ve finally learnt that the world doesn’t revolve around me (hard to believe folks!) and that sometimes I’ve just got to step off my own rollercoaster and step onto someone else’s…

I’m loathe to say ‘Poor Matt’ because that would mean that I feel sorry for him – I don’t. I feel for him, and that’s different altogether.

My big strong, gorgeous, funny, loyal Matt is having a toughtime as I’m sure you all know and I’m so relieved that he’s been able to share how he’s feeling. At first, I was a bit gutted that he’d opened up to you guys before he sat down and spilled his guts to me, but like I say…it’s not about me.

I can empathise though. I know how it feels to wake up with your stomach churning and that feeling of pending doom; that feeling of complete dread that stays with you until the end of the shift when a sense of euphoria takes over, as you realise you’ve survived another day.

That unreasonable, sensitive you that could burst into tears at any moment and when you start doubting whether you even deserve to be a nurse, responsible for the welfare of so many.

I could say to Matt that it’s just a job, to forget about it and put it all to one side. But we both know I would be talking crap….nursing isn't a job, it’s a huge part of our identity and it would be impossible to extract that part of yourself and shove it in the corner.

Instead what I’ve said is that we will get through this together. Matt was amazing when I went through the bullying period last year and he played such an important part in helping me get through it. He put up with tears and tantrums and never once told me to get a grip.

He’s talking about getting out of the hospital environment, thinking about going into the care home sector. He knows it’s a challenging role but he needs to feel he’s really making a difference – he also needs to feel as though he belongs. Don’t we all?

I think he would be brilliant – in fact, I think he’d make an excellent Home Manager. I can see him working his way up the career ladder…regional manager, ops director, CEO, king of the world….but I’m keeping my mouth shut. Matt doesn’t need pressure at the moment; he needs time and space to make his own decisions and do what he believes is right.

When Matt told me what had been happening at work, I won’t lie, I was sick with worry. I kept going through the various ‘what if’ scenarios in my head, until I started driving myself potty with it. I googled stress in nurses, and was horrified to see how many nurses actually attempt to take their own lives through work-related stress – and how many succeed.

Something must be seriously wrong with the system when those who train, learn and practice simply to care for others, are placed under so much pressure or treated so badly, that they find a permanent solution, and end their lives. 

My Dad’s friend took his own life when I was a teenager and I remember Dad feeling so very saddened about it. I remember him saying that if only his mate had been able to look into the future, he would have seen that things would have got better.

I will never forget that. Dad taught me that life is a series of events – some will test our strength but will ultimately give us strength…

That’s what Matt is going through at the moment, and although he hasn’t mentioned not wanting to be here anymore, or feeling as though he is a burden or good for nothing, I’m wondering if those feelings are there. Ironically, I don’t want to bring it up directly as I’m frightened I might make him start thinking about it, so instead I’m trying to get him to see what he means to so many people. It’s times like this when feeling valued isn’t enough, he needs to feel valuable too.

I’m marrying my wonderful soul-mate this weekend and my excitement is infectious! Matt’s eyes sparkle when I threaten him with my company for the rest of our days and I just know we can get through this together.

This is the start of our journey and I remind him constantly of the exciting times we have ahead.. …the honeymoon, the family (3 girls and 1 boy – that’s what I’ve ordered) and the love we will continue to share.

Is it enough? Who knows. We just keep dipping our toes in the water – sometimes it will be warm and inviting, at other times it will be icy and treacherous.

The important thing is we will be taking the plunge together.