Big boys do cry!

I’ve done it… I have finally come clean to Flo and you know what? It wasn’t as bad as I had imagined, albeit a few tears from both of us, but now my shoulders feel a lot lighter.

It all came to a head when working the night shift. Things were going pretty smoothly, but it also felt like the calm before the storm. I went to check on a couple of new patients that had come in during the day, when it all went crazy (it wasn’t a full moon). Sandra, a younger woman with schizophrenia started shouting from the rooftops that her fella was trying to break in, cue her trying to escape; and so she started pushing and shoving her way through the ward, hitting the walls. This started some other patients off and you can imagine the rest. It was one of those shifts when you feel like you are in a dream and you can’t wait ‘til it’s over. I actually felt sorry for Sandra, and like her, at times I wanted to escape from it all.

After going home feeling exhausted, I ended up sleeping on the couch because I couldn’t physically move to go upstairs.  The next day both Flo and I had a rare day off together, so we went for a nice stroll in the countryside. There’s something special about getting out in the fresh air, to clear your mind, and it was then I plucked up the courage and sat Flo down for a chat. ‘Flo my love, sit down for me, I need to talk to you’. The look on her face was of instant dread. ‘It’s nothing to worry about, come on, I need to get some things off my hairy chest (trying to make a joke)’.

After pouring my heart out, I know why I want to marry Flo. She was so understanding, she mentioned as a lot of you have since my first blog, about going to see occupational health when I am next in work. She put her arms around me and it was the first time in a very long time that I’ve felt optimistic about things. Flo has this effect on me, she makes me want to be a better man, she brings out the best in me.

I must admit the next day I rang in sick at work. I just needed another day to pluck up the courage to speak to my ward manager. I needed time to sit down and write it all on paper (I’m still traditional like that, I need to physically see what it’s like in written form). I sat there on my own staring into space trying to talk to myself… how was I feeling?

I kept thinking about other pathways to take my career in nursing, as I have recently discovered the group MINT (Men in Nursing Together), and I was so overwhelmed by the support from other guys like me. It did make me realise that there are other options out there. Somehow though, I still feel like a bit of a failure. Two steps forward one step back…

Going back to work, I had a horrible nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. I started the day off with two cups of strong coffee and couldn’t face anything to eat, which is unusual for me. I had a meeting with my manager and two people from occupational health. It felt like I was back at school, waiting to go into the headmaster’s office to be told off. Honestly what’s wrong with me? I feel half the man I was; something's got to give. After nearly two hours of talks, we discussed that maybe it was time for a change in environment, and the one thing that I do know I want, is to form better relationships with people. Maybe the care home sector could be more suited? Maybe I am just running away from it all and not facing up to things like a man? The rest of that day at work was fine, my manager told me to let her know if I wanted to go home at any point. I stayed and worked ‘til the end of my shift, and came home with some beers for myself and some flowers and a bottle of wine for Flo. I feel like I need to make it up to her.

That night felt a little bit back to normal, we just chatted about everything and anything apart from work or wedding stuff. I could see Flo was happier, her gorgeous smile radiating through. But as soon as I got into bed and Flo was fast asleep, the anxiety crept back. I felt like the Jekyll and Hyde character.

I guess I should feel better that work knows how I feel and having talked it through with Flo, but I don’t, maybe I just need a little more time to figure things out?