Male Nursing!
Where do I begin…
I’m sat here while flo’s on night shift trying my sixth attempt at writing this, I have always wanted to work in health and social care for as long as I can remember and I have had a great career so far. I have seen some things that are indescribable and also been so elated to ultimately ‘Save a Life’ but most recently, well in fact the past sixth months, have been really hard and it’s got to the point that I have started to shut myself away from work and even flo.
The days are starting to blur into one and I don’t want to
get out of bed, I lie awake at 3am going over everything and I just don’t know
what to do.
One of my patients ‘Timmy’ who was let’s say, a bit of a ‘Gangster’ in his day has frontoemporal dementia, he’s physically still fit for his age (late 70’s). When we initially met, I knew he was going to be a challenge. If I can recall his first words were ‘Ey Up w***er’ I like to think of myself as a man’s man and so my approach was more to give him a bit of lad banter and go from there. It really softened him and we actually shared some amazing stories from our past etc. His behaviour was always unpredictable though, so you had to have your wits about you at all times.
There have been occasions when he would strip naked and walk about touching himself and then be verbally aggressive towards staff. This was standard and we have all learned how to deal with the situation. Not long after a 13 hour shift I was about half an hour from finishing my long stint when he was shouting about being in pain. I went to see him and he was standing half naked with his fists up punching the air, saying ‘come on big man, I can have you’… I tried to calm him down and eventually got him back into bed for the night.
The next day I came into work with looks and whispers from
staff and I had to go straight to see the boss. Timmy had a black eye and he
told staff that I punched him. I was flabbergasted I done nothing of the sort.
I explained the situation and I knew an investigation would be underway. This
along with everything else that I have dealt with has broken me.
Weeks of
investigation have past and luckily a member of staff when on her night round
witnessed 'Timmy' punching himself in the face and she attended and helped him
but failed to report it until it all came out. I am not going to lie, this situation
has hit me like a tonne of bricks and I have often found myself coming home from work and shedding a few tears before I go into the house and I don't want flo to see me, so I try to avoid her and head for a shower straight away.
I know there are stereotypes of male nurses and over the years with cuts and staff shortages, the pressure is unreal, don’t worry I am not going to be too political.
On another note, I am so proud of flo especially on her Band 6 promotion and she absolutely lives and breathes the profession. I love that part of flo, her passion for the job is amazing and I once shared the same enthusiasm, I am just not sure how much I can take any more. To see her plan our wedding and nail the interview does inspire me to do more.
I lie awake at night watching her in awe and then I go over all the things in my head, what if I leave nursing all together? What job would I do? Would it be enough for me to look after flo and eventually our family? Would I still make her happy? What would she think of me to pack it all in?.. my mind is in over drive.
The wedding is next month and I don’t really want to say
anything to flo and make her even more stressed out than she is. I should be
there for her and I would do anything for my sweet flo.
She told me to try and give this writing malarkey a go, to see if it would help me with how I am feeling and I will be honest after five beers and six attempts it’s a walk in the park (hiccup hiccup)
If any of her lovely followers has any advice for me, please feel free to lend a hand. I'm off to bed before she comes home!!
All the best,
Matt.
I’m sat here while flo’s on night shift trying my sixth attempt at writing this, I have always wanted to work in health and social care for as long as I can remember and I have had a great career so far. I have seen some things that are indescribable and also been so elated to ultimately ‘Save a Life’ but most recently, well in fact the past sixth months, have been really hard and it’s got to the point that I have started to shut myself away from work and even flo.
One of my patients ‘Timmy’ who was let’s say, a bit of a ‘Gangster’ in his day has frontoemporal dementia, he’s physically still fit for his age (late 70’s). When we initially met, I knew he was going to be a challenge. If I can recall his first words were ‘Ey Up w***er’ I like to think of myself as a man’s man and so my approach was more to give him a bit of lad banter and go from there. It really softened him and we actually shared some amazing stories from our past etc. His behaviour was always unpredictable though, so you had to have your wits about you at all times.
There have been occasions when he would strip naked and walk about touching himself and then be verbally aggressive towards staff. This was standard and we have all learned how to deal with the situation. Not long after a 13 hour shift I was about half an hour from finishing my long stint when he was shouting about being in pain. I went to see him and he was standing half naked with his fists up punching the air, saying ‘come on big man, I can have you’… I tried to calm him down and eventually got him back into bed for the night.
I know there are stereotypes of male nurses and over the years with cuts and staff shortages, the pressure is unreal, don’t worry I am not going to be too political.
On another note, I am so proud of flo especially on her Band 6 promotion and she absolutely lives and breathes the profession. I love that part of flo, her passion for the job is amazing and I once shared the same enthusiasm, I am just not sure how much I can take any more. To see her plan our wedding and nail the interview does inspire me to do more.
I lie awake at night watching her in awe and then I go over all the things in my head, what if I leave nursing all together? What job would I do? Would it be enough for me to look after flo and eventually our family? Would I still make her happy? What would she think of me to pack it all in?.. my mind is in over drive.
She told me to try and give this writing malarkey a go, to see if it would help me with how I am feeling and I will be honest after five beers and six attempts it’s a walk in the park (hiccup hiccup)
If any of her lovely followers has any advice for me, please feel free to lend a hand. I'm off to bed before she comes home!!
All the best,
Matt.
Hi Matt,
ReplyDeleteI empathise with your situation; I'm a "big tough bloke" and like Tommy was a handful in my younger days. The outward perception is that men should just get on with it and not allow pressure to get to them. This is wrong wrong wrong. Men in general deal with emotions in a lot less open manner than women. Boys growing up ( a long time ago in my case) were ridiculed for showing emotion or weakness, being told to Man up is not helpful as it just adds to the guilt that you are failing as a man, a partner, a human being. The vexatious complaint by your patient has rightly led to an investigation, it will pass in time. In your patients mind he may see you as someone who he respects as you could give him a black eye, I would imagine in an old time gangsters world he wouldn't admit to someone besting him if he didn't respect them?
Being a man and dealing with feelings is hard enough being a man in nursing and dealing with feelings is harder. What I learnt from my experiences is to admit that you are not perfect and that is OK. It is OK not to be OK. Its clear in my mind that you would benefit from some help. Once you ask for it then its there in spades. Questions to ask yourself; Should you be at work right now? What are you doing for you? Have you asked for help? GP? occupational health? manager? they have all seen it before. I found it very easy to lose myself when I was ill and burntout. I was trying to hold everyone in my family together and failing miserably completely overwhelmed I crumpled. Everyone else saw it and asked me if I was OK, yes I'd reply roughly translated to "leave me alone". Getting married is stressful in itself and I can see that you want everything to be perfect for Flo:- who doesn't?. Life is imperfect and we can only do enough. perfection is never achieved. Once I came to realise that I began to understand perspective. Perfectionism is toxic, have a read around the subject to gain some insight. I found that having a gym routine eating well and taking time out for me to do me stuff was key. As is that very powerful word "NO". Practice using it and it gets easier. Please Matt seriously consider reaching out for help from your GP OH etc, I don't know Flo at all but I'll bet that she's concerned about you and wants to help. LET HER. She won't have all the answers but she can listen and just be there. Once you own a problem you have more control. The pic you have put up of your mind set is very accurate in my view and you need some help and support. That my friend is not a failure that is a victory. That is taking control of the situation and moving forward a suitably manly thing to do. feel free to contact me if you think I can help in any way
I hope you find peace and going forward have a wonderful wedding day and life with Flo
Ged
Tell her, it would upset her more knowing this is eating you up. You are stressing her out as she knows something is wrong and is desperate for you to share with her.
ReplyDeleteSecondly don't allow this bad experience make you loose your attitude and devotion to nursing, there's already a shortage and we don't need to loose another. Use it as a curve ball, reflect, analysis and put it to bed but don't allow it to doubt your profession. Hope you listen and open up to your soon to be wife, she will be your rock. All the best xx