Male Catheterisations

My brain is officially frazzled!
I have just finished the last of the courses that Carla booked me onto and I won’t lie, I’m knackered. I’d forgotten just how difficult it was to study, go to work AND service a love life! Let’s not even talk about the state of my house – something had to give!

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not moaning (well, not in my usual way) and I know that I am a very, very lucky nurse to have the opportunity to further my knowledge. I know that there are loads of nurses who don’t have as much investment as I’ve had in the last few months and I really feel for them. I worked out how much the individual courses would have been if I’d had to fund them myself and it would easily be over a thousand quid – so I’m really grateful and not moaning!!

The first course was the male catheterisation which I was itching to do. I couldn’t stop talking about it at home which made Matt alternate between green and pale. He made sure that he knew the exact dates of my course – and booked himself onto a week of nights! I think he was frightened that I might be tempted to practice on him, especially when I ordered a tube of KY jelly, some water balloons and a length of tubing off Amazon (isn’t it amazing what you can buy on the net these days??). It was my attempt at a little joke but as Matt reminded me – it’s only a joke if all parties find it funny. Point taken!

 I’d always thought that men were quite simple creatures. I think that’s the impression that they like to give because behind the façade of skin and dangly bits, their innards are really quite complex. Getting past that prostate, just by the feel of a tube was almost impossible. I mean, the tube doesn’t even have a little camera on, nor is there a satnav telling you which way to go next (or to do a u-turn at the next junction) – it was probably one of the most scary experiences ever!
I’ve got to be honest, my hands-on skills are my weakest point as a nurse. I know the theory, but when it comes to the practice, I’m a bit ‘sledgehammer to crack a nut’ kind of ham-fisted moron.
I’ll never forget my first injection as a student. We’d done the whole practicing on an orange thing, but how the hell an orange resembles a hairy butt I will never know. My mentor was brilliant and she had this fab attitude of just getting on and doing it. She said if I had the worst scenario first and succeeded, then everything after that would be a walk in the park.

Hmmmmm…I still sweat now thinking about it! I don’t know whether it was better or worse that my mentor told me the patient had a needle phobia – I didn’t share that I did too. And it was morphine of all things – all part of the ‘worst case scenario’ conditions.

I went through the motions – sweating like a fat lass in a nurses uniform, repeating ‘upper outer quadrant – draw back’ to myself over and over and over. After trying to put my patient at ease, and under the watchful eye of my mentor, I took the plunge (literally). He jumped and whimpered and I responded by jumping, whimpering and pulling the bloody needle out! It was downhill from there….
After male catheterisation/castration, I spent 4 days on the DCM course. Thankfully, I didn’t have to go to work too because that one was solid. The people on the course were amazing – there was such a diverse mix of people from social workers to administrators in care homes. I’d heard there was loads to learn but this was a whole new way of thinking, and I learnt so much about the true meaning of person-centred care and how to view things from the perspective of the person living with dementia. The tutors were hilarious – like a double act and I’m sure they had perfected their performance over the years. The lady was clearly internationally known (even I’d heard of her so she must have been famous) and the guy was like Keith Lemon, only funny!!

4 days of learning with an assessment at the end – which I passed!!! In fact, we all did. I won’t forget that experience for a long time – I’m just itching to put it into practice now!
The last course I attended was about sepsis. It was one of those that was so riveting that I’m sure I memorised every warning sign. In fact, that night in bed, Matt didn’t do his usual 2 hourly trips to the loo and I convinced myself he had sepsis (turns out he hadn’t had his usual 2 pints of water before he turned in). Even so, I slept with one eye open.
When I got back onto the ward for my first shift back, I couldn’t wait to catch up with Carla for our supervision session. She was really pleased that I was focusing on something other than Jo and said that the advert for the Band 6 post was about to go live. I’m so excited – and even if I don’t get it, I can’t forget all of the new things I have learnt.
I thought my formal learning was done for now, but Carla’s not finished with me yet! She told me during supervision that she’d enrolled me onto an NMC approved mentoring programme; apparently if I really want to progress then being a mentor is a must-have.
Can you imagine? Me showing others how it’s done. I felt really scared when she told me, like it was way beyond me but she said that I have an obligation to teach others how to be good nurses.

I felt right proud then. It’s going to be tough, and I’m not sure just how I’m going to balance everything, but I have to give it a go.
I just hope any new nurse I mentor isn’t as nuts as me!