I think i am going insane!

It’s been a couple of weeks now since ‘Denturegate’ – where I accidentally sent Mrs Wright’s nashers off for plastic surgery, and I’m still not fully over it.

I know it might seem a small mistake when you think of all the things that can go wrong in a hospital (just look at the NMC hearings on their website to see some of the life-threatening mistakes that are made), but I really disappointed myself. I thought this job had helped me to mature and get over my propensity to cock-up in style, but clearly not. 

I’ve been like this all my life. All the way through school I was the kid who couldn’t control her own limbs – tripping up in the dinner hall with a full plate of shepherd’s pie and gravy, knocking things off shelves as I walked past them, knocking people over even…you can just imagine. Being a bigger kid just added to the comedy and I got used to laughing it all off and got a reputation for being the class clown. I was determined to change that now.

 Most of my colleagues have been great about my recent debacle and have teased me in a good-natured way. Some of them have seen that it’s really affected me and have told me similar tales of their own to make me feel better. They are a really supportive bunch and it hasn’t changed my desire to work hard and be the best nurse that I can be.

But there’s always one fly in the ointment isn’t there?

Let’s call that fly ‘Jo’ (short for Joke). To be fair to her, she’s got an amazing memory. She can recall every detail of my recent fudge-up, even down to the colour my face went when I realised my mistake. She slyly calls it ‘fat fuchsia’ whenever she gets the chance. She also makes digs every time she sees me, calling me ‘super nurse’ or ‘Steve’s red-faced girl’ when no-one else is around. One of the patients heard her though – that was hilarious! The patient tore a strip off her and accused her of being a jealous bully; told her she’d come off worse in the end. I thanked Mrs Smith for sticking up for me and told her it was nothing for her to worry about. She told me to watch myself with people like that, that it would all end in tears if I didn’t stand up to her occasionally. Wise words. 

I deal with her like I deal with everything else uncomfortable in my life – I laugh and try to ignore it. It’s hard though when we both work full time and she’s a band higher than me. It means that I almost feel like I’ve got to put up with it...Almost.

It all came to a bit of a head a couple of days ago. I swear she’s been pushing me into making another mistake, although that could just be me being paranoid. I’d just finished doing my morning med round in my bay when she told me I would have to finish off her meds as she had the ward round to do. I didn’t have a problem with that and told her that I would be with her as soon as I’d washed my hands. She said ‘NOW nurse’, so I scuttled along behind her to collect her keys. I asked her where she was up to and she told me she didn’t have time to tell me so I would have to find out from the MAR charts. Very helpful – not.

It took me a while to familiarise myself with the first patient’s meds. I know you shouldn’t get used to certain patients without knowing others, but I had. These were all patients that I didn’t know and they didn’t deserve for me to be complacent about their care and make mistakes. There was a couple of medications that I wasn’t familiar with so I took the time to check the BNF before I felt ok about administering them.

Now call me paranoid, but I didn’t see any evidence of a ward round going on as I was busy trying to do the remaining meds. Jo was nowhere to be seen for the first twenty minutes and when she did pass by me she was stinking of fags. Surely, she wouldn’t dare get me to do her work while she sloped off for a crafty smoke? Would she?

 Anyway, I put the thought to one side as I went to deal with another lady’s meds. She was due for discharge and was only taking a couple of paracetamol when she needed it to manage her pain. I asked her if she was in any pain and whether she needed them and she looked at me a little oddly. Very patiently, she explained that she had already had them. I looked at her chart again and felt a little sweaty thinking that I had allowed myself to become distracted and had missed the signature, but it clearly stated that the last dose had been administered by the night nurse. I tried to tell her that the last ones she had taken had been last night but she was adamant that she had taken her tablets that morning. I didn’t know much about the patient so I decided to dig a little deeper. I couldn’t risk overdosing her but equally I didn’t want her to be left in pain, just because I hadn’t checked it out a little more.

So off I went to find Jo, to ask her if she could shed some light on it. She was sitting at the nurse’s station having a cosy little chat with one of the porters, nursing what looked like a steaming mug of coffee. She was not amused that I had disturbed her and made a sly comment to the porter about not being able to get the staff these days before she told me to show her what the problem was.

 I took her to the patient’s bed and asked her to have a look at the chart as it stated she hadn’t had her meds, but the lady was insistent she had. She looked at it and I swear her face went a ghastly shade of green, or maybe I was just imagining it. She mumbled something about not being able to see it clearly in that light and told me to wait while she went over to the nurse station.

When she returned, she was full of her usual self. She thrust the MAR chart into my hands and suggested I take myself off for an emergency optician appointment. I looked at her and then looked at the chart and there it was – the morning slot clearly signed (by her) to say that the patient had indeed had her pain killers.

I was furious. She had definitely not signed for those immediately after she’d given them. Don’t get me wrong, I know better than anyone that each one of us can make mistakes, but why not just own up to it?

What if the patient hadn’t been able to tell me she’d already had them? What if it had been a more acute medication that I had given her? 

I honestly didn’t know what to do – quite frankly Jo scares me. Eventually, I went to see Steve and asked him if we could do a medication audit. I said it was something that I hadn’t yet had the experience of doing and that I would find it useful. Thankfully the med counts were correct, and we picked up nothing more than a few sticky bottles to clean.

But I’m really worried now. Was Jo’s omission deliberate, to try to get me into trouble, or was it a genuine mistake that she just didn’t admit?

I’ve decided to keep a diary of my concerns – not to get anyone in trouble but to stop myself going insane.

But I’m worried that I haven’t reported the real reason for wanting to do the meds audit, does that make me an accomplice to her deception?

I really don’t know and I could really do with some advice here about doing the right thing

Anybody?

For more information on how to handle bullying in the workplace click here
https://www.recruitmentpanda.com/news/2018/11/14/how-to-deal-with-bullying-in-the-workplace