Nurses Knickers

I should have known it was going to be one of those weeks.

It started when I walked into the office to submit my timesheets and there was Charisma having a meltdown. Sitting at her desk head down and chanting ‘no nurses, no nurses, no nurses’ over and over again.

I won’t lie, a little bit of wee came out when she lifted her head to look at me – she was physically frothing at the mouth. I rushed over thinking that she needed some medical attention, only to find that she had popped her daily dose of Berocca directly into her mouth instead of dispersing it in water.

We cleaned her up and sat down with a cuppa while she offloaded about the shortage of nurses. Me being me (aka idiot), said that I was happy to do a few more shifts if it would help her out. She soon brightened up at that and gave me a fortnight rota for a place I’d never been to before…Knutton Mansions.

When I arrived, I was greeted at the door with ‘Hi! My name’s Charlie – I’m your knickers for the day’. I couldn’t quite believe what I was hearing and all I could do was discreetly pat around my nether regions to ensure a full complement of underwear before stuttering ‘Sorry?’. She looked at me like I was simple and repeated ‘My name is Charlie – I’m your knickers…your Knutton Nursing Intermediary Carer – Extra Resident Services’. ‘Excellent’ I said without truly understanding a word that she had just said ‘Let’s crack on then – excuse the pun’.

A quick handover soon enlightened me. There were 40 residents on two floors – I was in charge of the whole lot but Charlie Knickers would take charge on the less dependent floor. She had received extra training so could give out medication, do simple dressings (Grade 2 only) and update the care plans. Any clinical decisions were still left to me and I had overall accountability.

The Home Manager spent half of the morning moaning and groaning about the lack of nurses and the sub-standard substitute of her Knickers and how other agency nurses had refused to work with them. I secretly thought that she was lucky to be able to get a pair of knickers to fit her ample buttocks and figured the majority of them were hiding within her intergluteal cleft and nodded vaguely.

During my break (Charlie Knickers covered my floor for me), I had time to reflect while eating the mandatory egg butty and thought Charlie was doing a damn good job. She was willing, listened to advice and kept me updated on everything (Mr W in Room 2 had a very small type 2 stool this morning – did I think he needed something to help him go?).

She made it clear she wasn’t a Registered Nurse but was happy to carry out the non-complex tasks. In addition, she had completed training in her own time, demonstrated competence and did everything I asked her to do with a smile on her face.

I couldn’t understand that some Registered Nurses thought this role was a threat to their

profession – she was a dream and the care staff listened to her and seemed to respect her – that might have been because she mucked in and helped them too. And let’s face facts – there is a shortage of Registered Nurses and something had to be done!

We had a lovely shift – I was only sad that I was going at 2 o’clock. All of the residents were content and the Activities Co-ordinator had organised a Zumba afternoon for everyone.

I went to see the Home Manager before I left to tell her how great her Knickers were. I was a bit shocked when she sent me away with a flea in my ear; but not before I had my say. She ranted about how I was a disgrace to my profession…a traitor no less! Didn’t I realise that they were a threat to ‘real nurses’ and if she had her way she would take their Knickers off them.

Apparently it’s the owners who really wear the trousers in this home and they have invested heavily in making sure the residents are safe and supported. I didn’t really know what to say to her bright red face, so I just responded by telling her that if she saw fit to get her knickers out on the floor, she would see what a cracking job Charlie Knickers was doing!

I’m hoping to go back to Knutton Mansions… and all I can say to their short-sighted manager is Knickers to you!!!

If you enjoyed this article, then so will your friends, so why not share it...